Sweet Ann

 Shortly after the first of several miscarriages, in an effort to mend my broken heart, I adopted Ann. 

And in her own way, she really did help to ease my heartache.

Nine years ago, almost to the day, Ann moved into my home and into my heart :)

She's one of my best friends, that dog.

She's one of Gracie's best friends.

And one of Jonas' best friends.

Today, our best friend moved out.

Blessedly, she moved to a place she can run wild-crazy for a lifetime.

Where her hound nose can explore for ages.

Where she can rough and tumble with other four-legged friends.

Even though this isn't goodbye for ever, three hearts are braking around here.

Offer up a hug to the littles if you see them around.

And be prepared for some intense sobbing if you see me around :)

The "D" Word

Buckle up because there's no sugar in this news:

I'm divorced. 

Officially.

As of Wednesday.

And, oddly, that's ok.  I'm ok.  Happy even.

I've made about a bazillion mistakes throughout my life, but my marriage is not one of them and neither is my divorce.

I certainly wanted my marriage to thrive and grow and blossom into the eternities.  Wanted it fiercely.  I labored and sweat and pleaded and prayed for the survival of that union.

Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of a "broken family", and fear of being unloved consumed me.  So much so that I gave myself up at some point.  I gave up my voice.  I gave up the trust and the love I had for myself.  I gave up my happiness.  I gave up my self-worth.  I let it all go freely and it went without much notice.

Until a catalyst slammed into my life.  It was the beginning of the end.  Or really, the beginning of my personal renaissance.

Over eighteen months, that catalyst bulldozed, threatened, imprisoned, and then ultimately encouraged the restoration of my soul.  I opened my eyes.  Reclaimed my reality.  Reclaimed my happiness.  Reclaimed my identity.

My marriage wasn't all daisies and daydreams and it wasn't all brambles and bee stings either.  As is true with any relationship.  However, there came a point when the landscapes The Former and I each envisioned for ourselves no longer appeared in the same painting.  Our paths no longer traveled in the same direction.

I wouldn't say this experience of divorce and all the events that lead to it were meant for me, that I chose it in some pre-earth life, or that it was "part of my plan".

I also wouldn't say that this experience wasn't meant for me, that I didn't choose it, or that it wasn't "part of my plan."

It just is.

I sometimes wish the scenes of my fairytale had turned out differently.  That the scenes continuing to play out in real life mirrored the scenes from my mind.

However, I also think my story is quite perfect the way it is.

And actually, somehow, it seems far better than my own script.

Throughout the past eighteen months I often thought my pain and fear would paralyze me.  That I would collapse under the weight and cease to exist.

But I kept on.

I daresay (yes, daresay) I'm thriving.

I have gained so much from what I lost.

I faced my greatest fear.

And I nailed it.

Boo-yah.