To you, and you, and you!

2014 heralded change the moment of her very birth and inaugurated the worst-hated, most-beloved, ever-vexing, always-blessed 365 days of my existence.

 "Oh ye of little faith" labeled my forehead those first weeks of agony, of panic, of fear.  Swiftly though stamps of hope(!), faith(!), happiness(!), punched those feelings of despair to the underworld.

I certainly didn't secure my footing alone.  God lead the way and you have participated generously and graciously in Project Stephanie.  Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

THANK YOU.

I want you, all of you, to know that I think of and thank God for your kindnesses and your service to me and my littles.  Every. Single. Day.  From caring for and loving my children to an encouraging word or text.  From hiring me to hanging my curtains. From renting an apartment to me to comforting hugs.

Gracie, Jonas, and I are all so very blessed because of you.  My heart is constantly brimming with thanksgiving for and with love towards each of you.  Often times those feelings of gratitude spill over to weeping. 

Happy, happy new year. 

I love you.

May you be blessed for all you've done for me and my family.

Wiser Too

Precocious.

Definition:  having or showing the qualities or abilities of an adult at an unusually early age

Synonyms: bright, aggressive, cheeky, forward, sassy, quick, mature, intelligent, flippant, bold, presumptuous, pushy, smart-alecky

Precocious. 

This word generously peppered my childhood.  I can recall vividly my parents and other adults in my life rehearsing various renditions of "My, you are a precocious little thing!"  It rarely sounded complimentary, but I always took it as such.  Probably due to my presumptuous nature :)

I'm no longer a child, but thirty-two years old. Today. My birthday. Thirty-freaking-two.  What happened?!  How am I in my thirties?!  Like, In. My. Thirties.

I wonder sometimes how closely I resemble that precocious child.  Are we twins?  Close cousins?  Distant relatives who occasionally share a turkey and gather only at funerals?

This past year.  Whoa Nelly.  Talk about a growing year.  For real.  Many, many (MANY!) lessons.  Difficult ones.  Like quantum physics difficult.

So here I am.

One year older and wiser (?) too!

Happy birthday ta me :)

Sweet Ann

 Shortly after the first of several miscarriages, in an effort to mend my broken heart, I adopted Ann. 

And in her own way, she really did help to ease my heartache.

Nine years ago, almost to the day, Ann moved into my home and into my heart :)

She's one of my best friends, that dog.

She's one of Gracie's best friends.

And one of Jonas' best friends.

Today, our best friend moved out.

Blessedly, she moved to a place she can run wild-crazy for a lifetime.

Where her hound nose can explore for ages.

Where she can rough and tumble with other four-legged friends.

Even though this isn't goodbye for ever, three hearts are braking around here.

Offer up a hug to the littles if you see them around.

And be prepared for some intense sobbing if you see me around :)

The "D" Word

Buckle up because there's no sugar in this news:

I'm divorced. 

Officially.

As of Wednesday.

And, oddly, that's ok.  I'm ok.  Happy even.

I've made about a bazillion mistakes throughout my life, but my marriage is not one of them and neither is my divorce.

I certainly wanted my marriage to thrive and grow and blossom into the eternities.  Wanted it fiercely.  I labored and sweat and pleaded and prayed for the survival of that union.

Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of a "broken family", and fear of being unloved consumed me.  So much so that I gave myself up at some point.  I gave up my voice.  I gave up the trust and the love I had for myself.  I gave up my happiness.  I gave up my self-worth.  I let it all go freely and it went without much notice.

Until a catalyst slammed into my life.  It was the beginning of the end.  Or really, the beginning of my personal renaissance.

Over eighteen months, that catalyst bulldozed, threatened, imprisoned, and then ultimately encouraged the restoration of my soul.  I opened my eyes.  Reclaimed my reality.  Reclaimed my happiness.  Reclaimed my identity.

My marriage wasn't all daisies and daydreams and it wasn't all brambles and bee stings either.  As is true with any relationship.  However, there came a point when the landscapes The Former and I each envisioned for ourselves no longer appeared in the same painting.  Our paths no longer traveled in the same direction.

I wouldn't say this experience of divorce and all the events that lead to it were meant for me, that I chose it in some pre-earth life, or that it was "part of my plan".

I also wouldn't say that this experience wasn't meant for me, that I didn't choose it, or that it wasn't "part of my plan."

It just is.

I sometimes wish the scenes of my fairytale had turned out differently.  That the scenes continuing to play out in real life mirrored the scenes from my mind.

However, I also think my story is quite perfect the way it is.

And actually, somehow, it seems far better than my own script.

Throughout the past eighteen months I often thought my pain and fear would paralyze me.  That I would collapse under the weight and cease to exist.

But I kept on.

I daresay (yes, daresay) I'm thriving.

I have gained so much from what I lost.

I faced my greatest fear.

And I nailed it.

Boo-yah.

The Worst Day?

I must have seriously been on the right path yesterday because....woo-eee.  

It was a doozy. 

And I celebrated with a Mardi Gras-sized pity-party.

(Mardi Gras? Yeah? That's a random comparison..)

For.  Real.

Somewhere between the flat tire and my failure to 

properly pitch a softball to six year-olds,

I decided to toss the tantrum.

I made the decision to change my attitude.  

And I celebrated with an EPIC helping of blessings.

For.  Real.

They were everywhere.

SO. MANY. BLESSINGS.

And the thing is, I didn't have to blessing-stretch.

They were IN MY FACE.

It's crazy how a little tweak in attitude changes pretty much everything.

He's Baa-aack

This guy is home after being away for TWO YEARS!

This is about as close as Jones would get to Alex because his "heart felt shy right now".

Gracie whipped up one of her originals for the big day.

Welcome home little brother.

So glad to have you back!

Farm Animal Days

 Farm Animal Days ranks in my top five favorite traditions.  I love it.  The kids love it.

.....well, they mostly love it.....

just not when I'm trying to take their (...his) picture :)

This little (?) miss is turing SIX in just a matter of weeks.  She's already settled on her future profession:  veterinarian.

Or aritist.

Or a veterinarian artist.

She loves all creatures great and small.  Soft and slimy.  Creepy and crawly.

She even loves giant-sized goats.  Aka burro's.  She's still young in her veterinarian training.

This little man adores anything chicken.

Or at least he did until one of them chomped on his sweet little finger.

Don't worry, he recovered quickly.

To the park!

One of my besties (yeah, there's that word again...) is moving.  Far. Away.  As in, far.  We tagged along with her to Logan last week as she finished up some last minute business.

Before leaving Logan and as a farewell gift, my dear friend introduced us to a super-sweet enchanted park (thanks Quakers!).

My kids (and myself, really) are now obsessed with "The Hawaii Park."

We'll be back, often.

P.s.  My dad and stepmom live in Wyoming.  

There is an (almost) identical enchanted park in Wyoming.  

Said park was also constructed by the Quakers.  

Gracie often forgets the name of the state "Wyoming".

She often replaces the state name of "Wyoming" with "Hawaii".

Thusly is born "The Hawaii Park".

Otters, Penguins, and Fish! Oh, My!

Day Two:

Loveland Living Planet Aquarium.

Started out great.  It really did.

...And then, there was a (almost) three year old.  

Oh, Jonas....

"Haha, look of those fish!  They are so crazy!  These fish are funny, mama! I just love them!"

"Oh, those penguins are sweet little wobblers.  Precious."

"(sigh), Mom, fish.  More fish."

"I don't like these fish.  I DON'T LIKE THESE FISH!"

I DON'T LIKE THESE FISH!"

Luckily, Gracie, in her five (almost SIX!) year-old wisdom, mapped out a new course:

SUGAR from City Creek.

(....cuz that's how you effectively stop a meltdown...

...or at least that's how you exchange it for a much larger and later meltdown...)

J looks like he doesn't , but trust me:  we love us some Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.

YUM!

Finished out the day with a new book (!), sunshine (!)

And serious chalking (!).

Day-Three:

 (It's a two-fer post.

Ya know, two blog posts for the price of one.  

Since it's so difficult to make a separate post and all...)

-We slept in 

(For. Real.  I've been completely spoiled for ever waking up past 8:00am again.  Except for on Monday.  And Tuesday.  And...)

-We spring-cleaned (kids LOVED that...)

-We went SWIMMING!

Scarfed some Crown Burger on the way home.

Yes, we only eat in the car.

Last day of spring break tomorrow.  

A little crafting and a little conference should wrap it up nicely.

Spring-ity, Spring Break!

Taking a short holiday from work, yee-haw!

Kick-off started Wednesday night .  Stayed up late with my favorite gal stuffing ourselves with junk and watching 'Pirate Fairy'.  Love that Tinkerbell and her adventures.  Seriously.  As in, I'm serious.

After the binge, we SLEPT IN!  All of us!  YES!  As in, until 8:00 am.  I lounged in my bed until 9:00 while the children ate 5,000 fruit snacks.  Yeah.  IT. WAS. AWESOME.

Later, just in time for the sugar crash, we hit the lanes.  Ya'll should know I'm a pro.  

Who bowls a 56? 

This lady right here.  

Pretty stellar, right?

These two kidlets, however, are professionals!

Good form, Gracie J!

C'mon strike! Please, please, please?!

Weight of ball = Weight of Jonas

There's lots of time for (literal) hanging out when your ball creeps down the lane and (literally) stops five feet away from the pins :)

Next up:  The Living Planet Aquarium.

....And Ikea.  Duh.

....and yes I did just type Duh.  And yes, every season of 'Full House' played in light-speed as I typed it.  

Sunday Short

Braved church alone (Huzzah!).

Cooked an actual dinner (I'm on an anti-scurvy campaign).

Dessert making with the littles (dirt and worm delight).

Loves dirt. 

.... digusted by dirt.

Happy Sunday!

Working Mama

The transition from being home full-time to working outside of the home full(ish)-time has been a fantastic-depressing-tricky-hellish-exciting-crazy kind of wonderful.  

Gone are regular home-cooked meals.  Yeah, that's right.  Only twice (and by twice I probably mean once) during the week (if luck is working on our side...) do I haul out the pots and pans.  Other nights it's boxed, frozen, bagged, or Relief-Societied.

And that's ok.  I'm learning to let go of what I thought was important in exchange for what I feel IS important.

Yes, my losses may feel overhwhelmingly great some days, absolutely.  On most days however, my GAINS feel overwhelmingly great.  As in the "my cup runneth over" kind of way.

I may have to wake up at 6:00 am (6:00 AM!!!) five (FIVE!) days a week and I may dash around like a crazy woman from dark 0'thirty (ya know, because the sun sleeps in) until dark 0'thirty, but life is (mostly) good. 

Dizzy

For a bit there, our reality churned our stomachs and lurched into hyperspeed.  Thankfully, things are slowing now and we are settling into our new normal.

What better time to celebrate new beginnings (and, hallelujah, warmer weather!) than spring.  Hello, sun!  We've missed you!

Cheers to my favorite littles, family, and springtime sun!